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Marriage in Torah
Most religions have a wedding ceremony. This is also true of the religions that recognize Torah. Yet there is no command regarding wedding ceremonies in Torah, and no fixed ritual. There is not even a word that corresponds to our word marriage or wedding. Adam and Eve are unceremoniously created, and become the prototype for couples (Gen 2:24). Their son, Cain, “knew his wife” and that’s all we know about their union. After them four generations are listed without any mention of wives (Gen 4:18). Then comes Lamech, who “took” two wives. (Gen 4:19). This is the first time, but far from the last, that the verb “take” is used in reference to the relationship between a man and a woman. We encounter it again in the history of the nephillim (Gen 6:2). Noah has three sons and reaches the ripe old age of six hundred before his wife is mentioned, along with his sons’ wives, as entering the ark (Gen 7:7). His descendents are listed at length without any mention of wives (Gen 10:1-31). The next wives mentioned are "taken" by Abram and Nahur (11:29). That’s all, just taken. Nothing is mentioned about how that was done. The taking is not only done by men. When Sarai despairs of having a child, she “takes” her Egyptian slave Hagar and “gives” her to Abram (Gen 16:3) for the express purpose of producing a child. The slave does not become Abram’s, she remains Sarai’s (Gen 16:6) suggesting that neither the verb take nor give in this sense refer to possession. Rather, what is meant is the establishing of a relationship for the purpose of procreation (Gen 30:4, 30:9). Finally, a son, Isaac, is born to Sarah (Gen 21:2). When Isaac grows up, his father asks his faithful slave to swear that he will not “take” a wife for his son from among the Canaanites (Gen 24:3). The onus of finding a suitable wife for Abraham’s son is apparently placed on the slave, though if he fails, he is released from his oath (Gen 24:8). After a long journey, the slave brings back Rebecca. Although the slave has given her and her family expensive gifts (Gen 24:53), no ceremony is mentioned anywhere. In fact, the gifts are given before Rebecca agrees to become Isaac's wife (Gen 24:58) so they are clearly not part of a wedding ritual. The slave brings Rebecca to Isaac. Isaac brings her to his deceased mother’s tent and “takes” her, whereupon she becomes his wife (Gen 24:67). The widowed Abraham “takes” another wife, Ketura (Gen 25:1). And so it goes for all the couples in Torah (Gen 26:34, 28:9, 36:2, 38:2, Ex 2:1, 6:20, 6:23, 6:25, Num 12:1). Not only actual nuptial unions begin with taking/giving, but also hypothetical ones (Gen 27:46, Lev 18:18, 21:7, 21:13-14, Deut 7:3, 20:7, 21:11, 22:13-14, 24:3-5, 25:5-8). Judah not only “takes” the daughter of the Canaanite Shua, but also “comes” to her (Gen 38:2), powerfully suggesting what the nature of this taking might be, namely becoming “one flesh” (Gen 2:24). There are other indications that it is in fact this act which seals the union (Gen 29:23, Deut 21:13). It is never performed casually, except in prostitution (Gen 38:18) which is forbidden to the Israelites (Deut 23:18). When Laban finally agrees to give his daughter Rachel to Jacob, after Jacob labored for her seven years (Gen 29:20), he, Laban, marks the occasion with a drinking party for all the neighbors. We are not told of such a party taking place in regard to any other marriage. The other drinking party mentioned in Torah is given by Abraham to celebrates Isaac’s weaning from his mother's breast. One wonders whether Laban’s purpose in giving the party is not so much to celebrate his daughter’s marriage, but to make Jacob sufficiently drunk that he won’t discover that he has been cheated and wed to Leah instead (Gen 29:22-25). Again, in spite of the deceit, Jacob’s unwitting physical union with Leah seals the deal, and she remains his wife forever. Even if the woman is a slave, once there is carnal contact she is to be treated as a wife, and if a second wife is taken, the man may not detract from the first one’s food, clothing, or conjugal relations (Ex 21:10). In a string of prohibitions, the relationship between a man and a woman is described as “uncovering the pubis” (Lev 18:6-17). The same expression is used regarding forbidden conjugal contact within a permitted relationship (Lev 18:19). No distinction is made between the physical act standing alone or as part of a durable bond. On the other hand, carnal acts which cannot be part of a durable bond are forbidden (Lev 18:20-23). So carnal union forges a permanent bond between a man and a woman. It can be broken only by death or if the man writes a written release (Deut 24:1). Nowadays, when divorce is run-of-the-mill, we might imagine that the union was not so permanent after all. But we would be deceiving ourselves. As most men were probably illiterate, such a release would have been rare in those days. While there are many spousal unions in Torah, there is no mention of any such union ever being dissolved. Divorce is not prohibited, but it is discouraged by the obstacle of requiring a written release. Theologians erroneously reason that if the marriage is revoked by a written document, it must also be enacted by a written document. There is no support for this position in Torah, and it is in fact illogical, as it would have placed marriage out of reach for the vast majority of men, and hampered them in performing their obligation to procreate. It was divorce, not marriage, which was put out of their reach, probably to protect women against abandonment which would have meant dire poverty. Even in the case of rape, the man remains responsible for the woman forever (Deut 22:29). In this case, or if he has slandered her (Deut 22:17-19) there is not even the remote possibility of divorce. A man is also expected to “take” the childless wife of his deceased brother (Deut 25:5-10). While there is no ceremony for the “taking”, there is a degrading ceremony for releasing him from this obligation, and he remains marked in shame forever. Only when carnal contact constitutes violation of a preexisting union does it not lead to a new union. If a taken woman is raped, the rapist is subject to the death penalty (Deut 22:25). When a taken woman willingly submits to carnal contact with another man, the death penalty applies to both (Deut 22:19-22). Possibly the grave taboo on female infidelity has to do with the necessity of determining inheritance of the Land of Israel (Num 27:8-11, 36:12). Though a man is not restricted to one wife, he and the wife['s family] can make an agreement about future wives, as Laban and Jacob agreed that the latter would not take other women in addition to Laban's daughters (Gen 31:44-50). Kings and probably anyone else who can afford to do so should exercise restraint and not take too many wives (Deut 17:16). In summary:
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